A commentary on life like only momma can give.

Rhianna And Chris Brown…It Was Inevitable

Oh Rhianna and Chris Brown…their reunion was inevitable and for my friends and I, no surprise because we had predicted this outcome over a year ago. The one thing I knew from having been young and in love is it ain’t over ’til it’s over and the only reason they broke up was not because he hit her, it was because he hit her and “we”, the public, broke them up! All of the steps that were taken after it was reported that he abused her were steps that were pushed on her by the publics need for closure.

Of course, Rhianna was upset, hurt and confused after the events of that fateful night in 2009, but the events that took place afterwards; his subsequent arrest and her ABC interview on 20/20, were all a result of outside forces. Because of their celebrity, their relationship didn’t get the chance to play out the way a normal young relationship might end and add to that the plea deal to the allegations of abuse…there was no other option.

As their domestic issues propelled both of them to have their every move scrutinized, the one thing that became evident was that these two people, who obviously loved each other, weren’t done with each other and as an outsider looking in, I knew that it was just a matter of time before they figured out how to make their relationship happen again. They each had rebound relationships and hook-ups but the reason every news outlet stalked their every move was because the law of averages said that these two were going to find a way to get back together.

They started by doing two songs together earlier this year (Birthday Cake and Turn Up the Music) and then had them drop at the same time…the wheels were set in motion. Fast forward to Rhianna professing her undying love for Chris to Oprah, the kiss and embrace at the MTV VMA‘s and within the last week, the pictures of them hugged up at a night club in N.Y., them leaving the Gansevoort Hotel separately and him with his arm around her chair at Jay-Z‘s concert in Brooklyn, we all knew it wouldn’t be long before they came out and announced they were back together.

Chris finally broke up with his girlfriend Karrueche Tran and then posted a video confessional that could only be described as “Drunk videotaping”, claiming to be in love with two women and trying to convince (I don’t know who) that he was struggling with his decisions.

I will give him his” struggle” of loving two people because had he not put his hands on Rhianna, they might not have been forced to break up and he might not have fallen for Karrueche…making this whole situation even more complicated and messy.

What we are all watching is a high school drama on steroids because of their celebrity. Only time will tell if Chris and Rhianna truly decide to come out into the light with their relationship and while statistically, we know the chances of their relationship lasting are slim, the hope is that it doesn’t end as disastrously as it did the last time.

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The Marrying Kind

A couple of 14-carat gold wedding rings. Pictu...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We have a family friend who I’ve dubbed “The Marrying Kind”. He’s that guy that pulls the trigger very quickly on life changing decisions and I always felt he was a bit delusional about how relationships work. When he married his ex-wife it was because she was cool and they didn’t argue. This, of course, was because they were dating, not living together and having great sex…of course they weren’t arguing…they hadn’t gone through any real life situations! He wanted a mother figure and she wanted a child and that is exactly what they both got so in the beginning, everything was perfect.

Despite his friends voicing their concerns about his reasons for asking his wife to marry him, he went ahead and asked her. They had a large wedding and went on to live happily ever…I’m not even going to bother finishing that statement! As happens with many young couples, they quickly got pregnant and as anyone who has been married and had a child knows, things changed.

Her priorities shifted and he lost his position at the top and instead of focusing as a family on the baby, he did what many men do when they lose top billing, he started becoming less involved in the relationship and as a consequence it suffered. Having experienced similar issues in my first marriage, I tried to convince my significant other to talk to him and let him know that the problems they were having were normal for first time parents and that what they were going through was not truly “divorce worthy” and could be worked out.

I wasn’t privy to the exact cause of the demise of his marriage but I do know that the root of the problem really wasn’t a problem. His new wife had just had their first child and she was going through the natural changes a woman goes through after having given birth. In time, things would have settled down and they would have been able to reconnect on a husband and wife level…he just needed to be patient.

He didn’t want to listen and ultimately the marriage ended in divorce and not long after that, he began perimid-life crisis (Yeah…I made that up!) and began exclusively dating women in the 20-25 year old demographic. Now I don’t have an issue with him dating younger women but his rationale behind why he was now only dating them sent up all kind of red flags and suddenly instead of just saying he was dating a younger woman because he liked her, he blamed it on something else…in this case it was age.

He convinced himself that the reason his marriage failed was because his wife was older (same age as him) and therefore needy. She was needy because she wanted him to be around and she expected him to be involved in the home and their newly expanded family and he wanted to continue to be free without any responsibilities which of course wasn’t possible with a new wife, a mortgage and a baby.

He began making comments like–“Young girls have a cool attitude and young girls don’t trip and need you to be there for them all the time.” These were, of course, the thoughts of a simple minded person and honestly, I refuse to try and compare a 22 year old woman to a 35+ year old woman. They are very different and for good reason, one has seen more than the other and already lived what the other is soon to live so there is no sense in even attempting to try.

So now we hear that after having dated less than a year, he has gotten engaged to his new “Perfect woman” and moved in with her. All of the qualities and qualifications that made his first wife marriage material are possessed by this new young lady and though I know it is wrong, I am mentally  betting on how long this relationship will last because what he fails to realize is his first marriage and his potential new marriage will both end in the same disastrous way because they both have the same common denominator…him!

He is the baby of his family and his actions are that of the baby so until he acts his mature age of 37 and leaves his 19 year old thought process behind, he will continue to end up with the same result and forever be on the hunt for the “Perfect Wife”. He is a walking PSA for women everywhere to beware of the guy who is the marrying kind because the marrying kind do just that…they marry but they don’t stay married!

Shake The Devil Off

Devil

Devil (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If anyone is familiar with Donnie Mcclurkin‘s song Shake the Devil Off, this week has been that kind of a week and I am feeling the need to do a little shimmy! We all have times in our lives where the weight of everything is suddenly palpable and no matter which way you look, there doesn’t seem to be an easy way out…that’s the kind of week I’m talking about!

When I am faced with adversity, I always try to find the meaning in why I am going through my “hard time” and finding that meaning leads to me having a lot of heart to heart talks with God. The hardest thing to do when you are in a rut, of any kind, is staying positive and when I find myself in a situation that is just too much, my initial response is to solve the problem. I am the first born and a natural problem solver (especially for everyone else) so I am always thinking of a way to find a solution to whatever the issue of the day may be but finding a way to stay positive while searching for the solution is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

There is always a way out of a problem and sometimes the way out is sitting back and letting go. The saying “Let go and let God” is easy to say but not so easy to do and it has taken me years to learn how to give control over to God. Even now, when I am faced with a stressful situation, I tend to immediately launch into “Fix-It” mode and I have to remind myself that this fight isn’t mine and instead of trying to fix-it, what I need to do is just sit down and watch how things play out.

It wasn’t until I lost my job that I fully understood what it meant to “Let go” and once I adopted a laid back attitude about my situation, I noticed how nervous it made other people. When you are put in a situation that would normally send you into a “worry frenzy” and those close to you see you respond in a calm manner, there is obvious confusion and I confused the mess out of my friends and family!

What they were witnessing was trust and faith at work. I trust in the Lord and his ability to see me through and I have faith that being in this situation is for a reason. I’ve been through too much to for me to believe that he is going to leave me and in those moments when I momentarily forget that God is in control, inevitably, doubt and fear creep back in and I begin the stressing process and it isn’t until I’m about half way through that I remember myself.

I am in the position I’m in so that I can get to the position where I’m supposed to be and for that reason alone, I will continue to to work on myself and when necessary, do a little shimmy and shake the devil off!

Family Excuses

English: father in nuclear family 日本語: 核家族での父親

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every family makes excuses for bad behavior and mine is no exception. My paternal grandfather, whom I’ve met twice in my life, was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and my initial reaction was one of indifference. As I wrote in the post Demanding Reparations From Our Deadbeat Fathers, I have struggled with how I feel about this man whose last name I carry but have never had a relationship with and once I became a wife, parent and then divorcee, I had even more contempt for this man who willingly ended his relationship with his eight year old son, my father, because he was starting fresh with his new wife.

This is where the family excuses began. I was always told that after my grandfather got married, he visited my father for a while and then his wife started to have issues and in order to keep his home life calm, he wrote off my father. Now…let me breath before I continue…as a kid, I fell for this story and I blamed his wife for his actions but as I said, once I became an adult who had to make adult decisions, I began to realize how stupid this sounded and what really amazed me was how willing EVERYONE was to accept his actions. To me, this man was a sorry excuse for a human being!

When my divorce was finalized,  my priorities were that my child was o.k. and that she continued to have a relationship with her father. When he started dating, he made sure that his serious girlfriends had a relationship with his child and that they understood they were a package deal. When he remarried, his new wife treated her like her own and for that, I was grateful, so when I heard family members try to invoke the “Excuse clause” for my grandfather, I reminded them that my child’s father managed to remarry and still remain in her life so why are we acting like it wasn’t possible for my father to have had a relationship with his father?

When my grandfather made the decision to discontinue his relationship with his son, it was made by him. No one else had any power. My grandfather had an opportunity to man up and take care of his responsibilities and he didn’t. What he did was go on and create a faux family that didn’t include my father, his child that everyone knew existed and chose to ignore. As I sit here, I wonder how his two sons by his wife view him? Do they think he was a real man or deep down do they think, like I do, that he fell short?

The sins of my grandfather didn’t just effect my father. His sin, I’m sure, has gone on to effect all of his children and I’m inclined to believe the person most greatly affected was him. For 58 years, he has had to live the fact that he was a failure as a parent and there is nothing that can be done to change that. So while I grapple with how I feel about the revelation that he isn’t doing well, I have decided to release some of my anger (Notice I said some…I am a work in progress!) so that I can move on and support whatever decision my father makes with regards to contacting him.

For 58 years, my family has excused and accepted his neglect and it is time to stop. My grandfather has cemented his legacy and he has had to live with the fact that he failed at the most important job in the world. So when his story is told, he will forever have an asterisk  next to his name and “Deadbeat” will most surely precede the title “Father“.

Have Some Self-Respect

“Have some self-respect!” As a teenager, my momma made sure that I understood what was expected of me and high on the list was a load of self-respect! Self-respect is a virtue that has gone MIA and nowhere is that more obvious than on our television screens. I have said before that I am a reality show junkie but the last few shows have been watched more to dissect what would possess someone to go on national television and act in a way that could only be described as someone who lacks any “Home Training!”

It wasn’t until after I grew up and left my mother’s house that I understood how important having respect for yourself is and it wasn’t until I left that I realized that what I had been given was not the norm. The workplace, where people from all walks of life come together in the name of making money, was where I first discovered how lucky I was to have had a mother who took the time to train me and to tell me how I should and shouldn’t act. I was amazed at how many times I talked to people who had never been told that it wasn’t normal to run around saying everything that came to their mind and it wasn’t o.k. to act like they did at home in public…it just wasn’t o.k.!

So when I watched shows like Love & Hip Hop and the Real Housewives of (Insert city) I sat there in complete amazement at how willing these women were to live without filter. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you need to let someone have it and I understand that…hell I am a pro at that but even when I have found myself in situations where I have deemed it necessary to “Let a B*%&# know”, it has never been just because she was breathing or because I didn’t agree with her position. It hasn’t even been when someone has said they didn’t like me…so what…there is no rule that says someone has to like you just because you want to be liked and there is no rule that says you have to like everyone. The only rule that is used to be universal is the rule of respect…that is until now.

The new normal makes me and my way of thinking look antiquated. Somehow those of us who were raised to act like ladies and to treat ourselves and others with respect, even if you didn’t like them, have been replaced with a new breed (I won’t say generation because some of these women are older than me) of woman and this woman has no problem showing her ass, acting irrationally and literally walking around throwing tantrums like a toddler.

The first time I watched Basketball Wives, I sat there in complete amazement and when the show ended, I sat for a second and then said–“WOW“…there was nothing else that I could say and by the second season, I found it hard to sit and finish a whole episode!

From there, as everyone knows, the shows and the antics went down hill fast and for those of us sitting on the sidelines, we couldn’t believe that this was real. These women acted like wild banshee’s and found nothing wrong with it and what I found most interesting was that they would look at you like you were crazy if you dared tell them that acting this way was an issue.

The best thing that has come from these shows is a teaching moment for the rest of us. While I do not allow my 13 year old to watch these shows, what I have learned is how much I have to step my game up because these grown women start out as little girls and junior high school is their training ground so antiquated or not, I am resolved to teach her how to carry herself and have some self-respect!

What Mitt Romney And The 47% Have In Common

 

Mitt Romney Steve Pearce event 056

Mitt Romney Steve Pearce event 056 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mitt Romney doesn’t want you to know this but he and the 47% have a lot in common. After watching a very painful press conference where Mitt tried to convince us that we didn’t hear what we heard, a few things popped into my mind and when he is heard saying on the video that the 47% feel entitled to receiving freebies from–“Health care, to food, to housing…that’s an entitlement…and the government should give it to them”, I was completely offended and I found it ironic that the “entitlements” Romney spoke of are the same exact entitlements the very rich tend to feel they are owed.

I was a banker for 13 years and I worked in an affluent community for 8 1/2 of those 13 years and what I learned in my 13 years of giving “superior customer service” to both the wealthy and middle to low-income customers is how similar the attitudes are of the very rich and the 47%  Romney discussed in his leaked “off the cuff” (his words…not mine) remarks at a GOP fundraiser last May. When it comes to money and getting things for free there is a feeling of entitlement but the entitled tend to be the rich.

As a banker I learned the following; The rich expect that because they are allowing you to hold their money, all of their services should be or will be given to them free. The 47% expect that you will charge them for holding their money and while they may ask for some service fees to be waived the overall expectation is that there will be a charge and they budget in that charge as a “Cost of doing business”. So I find it interesting that the very people who truly feel entitled to free services are the very people who then turn around and try to shame you for daring to think like them.

This years presidential campaign has taken on an “Us vs. Them” mentality and it reminds me of the lords and the serfs I learned about in Junior High School. History teaches us where we’ve been and how we got there and the discussions that are being held today over the haves and the have nots are eerily similar to those of the Middle Ages and for those who don’t remember, that ended with the serfs revolting.

What we all witnessed last night was the game changer. Mitt Romney’s campaign has begun to self-implode before our eyes and even for those of us who already know we are voting to re-elect the President, it is never fun to watch a man fall from grace.

Mitt’s actions and inability to clearly articulate his agenda have left him looking like a bumbling idiot with a holier than thou attitude and to the 47% of us who don’t speak  the language of the “Entitled Asshole”, the one line from Mitt that was very clear and understood by all was that it is, “Not his job to worry about the 47%” and he is right because that job belongs to the President of the United States and his name is Barack Obama!

Mitt Romney’s Strategy…Throw Out Everything And See What Sticks

Mitt Romney - Caricature

Mitt Romney – Caricature (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

In this weeks round up of “Gaffe’s by Mitt”, we find the GOP candidate struggling to find a consistent platform on which to stand and his achilles tendon, foreign policy, being thrown in his face…the man can’t catch a break! What I find most interesting is that Mitt’s strategy seems to be throw out everything and see what sticks and this is odd because he is running on his experience and acumen in the business world and yet he can’t seem to translate all of that “experience” into the kind of strategy one would expect from a former CEO of one the foremost management consulting firms in the world.

You can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps and the P.R. machine that Mitt Romney has enlisted to help him win the Presidency has shown that they know nothing about politics, nothing about diplomacy and I am beginning to think they know absolutely nothing about the very people he wants to represent.

After the bombing of the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, Romney missed his opportunity to show us his presidential chops by showing empathy and taking a moment to reflect and speculate on what the next steps should be and instead took the opportunity to launch a political attack on President Obama calling the Presidents response “disgraceful”.

In times of trouble, no matter how one feels politically, we, the American people, have always been able to come together with one voice. Romney’s inability to take this moment and find consensus with the president shows how ill-prepared he is to lead a nation such as the United States and one has to wonder if his vision of the United States is stuck in an era where all you had to do was show up in the boardroom and offer up a smile and a handshake?

Wherever Mitt is, it’s obvious that he isn’t in line with the American people and members of his own party. He seems to be showing signs of desperation and Mitt should know better than anyone that when a company is looking to hire from a viable candidate pool, they will most assuredly pick the candidate who shows grace under fire.


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