Recently the question was posed to me on whether or not I was a grudge holder? It was something that I have had to deal with for some time because my way of dealing with someone who has “wronged” me is to literally just leave them alone. I am not holding a grudge per say, but I am also not putting myself in a position where you will be allowed to treat me in an abusive or disrespectful manner again.
I have taken this stance with everyone from acquaintances, co-workers, friends and family and what I have noticed is that I end up being the one labeled “mean”. I didn’t cause or encourage the drama, I didn’t disrespect or turn on the other person, but because I effectively ended the back and forth by not engaging and leaving the situation alone, I became the “militant one”. This name was even given to me by my brother to which I laugh because to me it means he recognized that I wasn’t one to play.
The funny thing about letting others know that you aren’t about the bullish, somehow makes them think that you are holding grudges when in fact, it couldn’t be further from the truth. When someone wants to be able to just move on like nothing ever happened and then tells you that you should get over it, 1.) they have no respect for how you are feeling and 2.) they are in denial about their role in the conflict and we all know neither are healthy mindsets to have. I call this discounting feelings.
Being able to move on without drama confuses people who think that it in order to forgive, means you have to continue that relationship especially when you were really close to them and for me…that’s not the case. I don’t wish you any harm but I also, don’t necessarily wish you back in my life. When the trust is gone, no matter who it is, it is hard to get back to where the relationship was and depending on how it ended, there just may not be any “going back” and that is what is hard for people to grasp.
So when I think about the question, “Do you hold grudges?” I go back to my original answer, “No, I don’t hold grudges but I will leave you alone” and if that comes off as me holding a grudge then we will have to agree to disagree.